


Red Bull & Cats

by Angst_BuriTTo



Series: New York Pigeons and Brooklyn Sass [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 20 year old farts, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Humor, Asexual Bucky Barnes, Attempt at Humor, Bucky Barnes & Winter Soldier are Different Personalities, Bucky Barnes After Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Even tho i hate hocky, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I will never tell, Just Add Kittens, Not Canon Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, One (1) flasher, Pigeons, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-HYDRA Reveal, Swearing, Try to untangle that logic, Vets, We all know that the Leafs wont win the Stanley Cup, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, a disimbodied voice, a grumpy cat, but i love them anyway, meddling old lady’s, questionable choices in food, slight angst, that sound suspiciously like seargent barnes, winter soldier unbrella warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angst_BuriTTo/pseuds/Angst_BuriTTo
Summary: "Mommy, why is that man turning green?"Ok, time to find a toilet.
Series: New York Pigeons and Brooklyn Sass [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1392622
Comments: 14
Kudos: 47





	Red Bull & Cats

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back baby!

* * *

  
  
  
  
  
The Soldier stared at the face in the museum. The face that looked eerily like the face he saw in the mirror every morning.

_Couldn't they have chosen a better picture?_ The Voice complained, _I look like I just ate one' a Dum Dum's hot sauced covered K-rations and can shit no more!_  
  
  
The Soldier knew what that felt like- K-rations were best eaten with plenty of water and a prayer to whoever you believed in that it would come out the other end without a fuss. Adding hot sauce to the mix just seemed like intestinal suicide. 

The Soldier couldn't fathom why the Voice would know what the hell that felt like at all. Why would _anyone_ do that? Why tempt fate? * _Dear God_ * **_why_**???? 

Memories of the exact situation downloaded into his brain, and the Soldier suddenly could taste the horrible concoction.

"Mommy, why is that man turning green?"

Ok, time to find a toilet.

* * *

Walking calmly (the Soldier does not flee- even smelling like vomit and looking green) from the Smithsonian, the Soldier decided his next move would be to eat something that would make him forget that the Body had once eaten K-rations with hot sauce on top.

The first place he saw ended up being a small, out of the way convenience store that, if the Soldier weren't looking desperately for the nearest food of any kind, he would have walked right past it. 

The place looked like it was wedged between Paton's luxury watch store and the Adult: XXX shop as an afterthought (or to keep the two stores from touching; the Soldier could relate to the Adult: XXX shop; nobody wanted to touch him either.) 

The tiny store had an even smaller sign that proclaimed "2-for-1 special: Red Bull Drinks, Lunchables." 

Why would somebody put those two things together?

_It's September, ya' knucklehead._

Was it? Huh.

…when was September, and what was it's significance to energy drinks and processed food?

_In September, school starts, ya mook._

Ah. The small humans and the inadequately rested slightly larger humans need food and energy and satiate that need with…these.

He wondered if they were any better then K-rations and those horrible concoctions that HYDRA used to stick down his gullet. 

…

There was only one way to find out.

* * *

Why was he vibrating?

He crumpled the tenth Redbull and contemplated throwing it at the pigeon that sat pompously on the ledge of the roof of the XXX shop he was currently crouching on.

  
_This shit is_ _**wild**_ , the Voice jittered.

  
The Soldier did not enjoy this sensation.

  
Or perhaps he enjoyed it too much.

  
He couldn't tell over the vibrating and the way his brain thoughts resembled an auctioneer on crack.

  
(‘Coo', went the pigeon. 'Up,' went the Soldier's shaking middle finger. Oops, he smacked the pigeon.) 

  
The Soldier wondered if the grumpy cat was stalking him for the sole purpose of a worry-free meal of fresh pigeon.   
  
  


* * *

The Soldier grunted as he stepped onto the subway train, relieved that there were very little people on at this time of night.

He had only just come down from his Red Bull high. He needed quiet; he needed peace, he needed -

_oh shit get me some brain bleach!_ the Voice screeched. 

The Soldier was in complete agreement on that at the sight of a very naked-but-for-the-beige-overcoat-and-fedora old man smoking on a pipe. 

Nope. 

The Soldier wondered if there was a trigger phrase to make him forget the sight of naked flasher old men.

He doubted HYDRA had been that merciful. 

* * *

The bus wasn't much better, as the Soldier was immediately spotted by the same damn old lady that seemed to be on every bus from here to Nantucket, give or take a few crocheted shawls.

"Shouldn't you be at home with your wife, young man? Men, always going out late to catch a few poor young women..."

"I'm Asexual." The Soldier told her, bluntly.

The old lady blinked.

"It means sex repulses me as much as your choice of a plaid shawl with striped pants."

The old lady's scandalized gasp was worth being kicked off the bus and waiting an hour for a new one to grace him with its presence. 

* * *

It seemed he had acquired a grumpy cat.

The grumpy old cat, who, on a closer look not overshadowed by an overdose of Red Bull and fresh off of drugs, was not old at all.

Just incredibly ugly and wrinkly. 

He was perfect.

_Reminds me a bit of this one dog we found in the war, ugly as shit and twice as mean, wouldn't tolerate nobody until I got to it. Turns out it spoke Russian only, and the rest of the commandos figured out I knew the language fluently pretty quickly after that. Didn't bother telling em' it was to impress a bird that turned out to be a spy anyways. Oh well._

"Sex is gross." The Soldier muttered. "Filthy and sticky."

_Oh, and what do you call blood and guts: sunshine and rainbows?_

"...necessary side effect of the mission."

_...you really need some help, my dude._

"Don't call me, dude."

_You're talking to a voice in your head, I'll call you whatever the fuck I want and you can't do shit about it._ The Voice snarked.

"....touché."

Can a voice feel smug when it's not speaking?

* * *

The cat had fleas.

_  
Vet time, soldier-boy._

  
"...animal technicians?"

_  
Nope. Animal docs, far more gentle and from experience, much kinder than human doctors. Medical docs could learn a thing or two about bedside manner from veterinarians. Honestly, would it kill them to* **smile** *? I mean sure, delivering hard news all day isn't easy, but com'on even the dogs' vet was smiling away while sticking a hand up its ass to check for...something. Probably worms. I was a bit preoccupied trying to forget the whole sight._

  
"...you are a very strange person."

_  
I'm a voice, not a person._

  
"..."

_  
Vet_.

  
The cat munched on a pigeon.

  
The fleas jumped.

  
The vet it was.  
  


* * *

  
  
Vets were entirely too cheerful for his liking. The Voice had misinformed him. Vets didn't just smile 'once in a while.' They smiled _constantly_. It was _unnerving_. 

  
"So, how'd you two meet?" The vet asked, grinning wide and checking protesting cats rear end. 

  
How did they meet? The Soldier couldn't help but equate the phrase to a spinster aunt desperately wanting to know how their nieces' sex life is far greater than their own so they can live vicariously through them.

  
"He stalked me while eating pigeons."

  
"Awww, a real true love story!" The vet squealed, that grin getting impossibly (and creepily, in his opinion) wider.

  
What? This was not a hallmark film. He was not a cat. He could not have true love with a cat.

  
He was certain that being in a relationship with an animal was both frowned upon and illegal in most of the world. 

  
"Also, it's a girl," 

  
Oh, well, that was fi-

  
"And she's expecting!"

  
Expecting what? World peace? Government payouts? Tax reforms? The Stanley Cup to be won by the Toronto Maple Leafs?

  
"You're gonna be a papa!"

_  
welp. Good luck,_ The Voice laughed cheerfully.

  
"I'm too young to be a father." The Soldier whined.

* * *


End file.
